Reflections
by Angelstearz
Summary: John reflects on his life. This was posted before but has now been deleted since I have decided to re-work this story. You have probably read it but, as things will be changing, you might wish to re-read it.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Reflections

Author: Angelstearz

Disclaimer: Don't own em. Never will.

Summary: John takes a moment one Christmas Eve to reflect on his life then and now.

Rating: PG

A.N.: This is a few years in the future.

New A.N.: I decided after re-reading this story that it needed a little work done. After I re-vamp this, I will (hopefully) finish the sequel.

Bolded (thoughts); Italics (flashback)

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**(**Colorado – Present Day**)**

John woke with a start. His whole upper body was drenched with sweat. He got up and went into the kitchen, careful not to wake the sleeping woman next to him.

John filled a glass with water and went over to the "living room" window. He looked out on the snow filled streets below and sighed. He finished his water and turned around to set his glass down, catching a glimpse of the clock.

It was 1:15 in the morning. Officially Christmas Eve.

**Merry Christmas to me.**

He shivered when he thought of the nightmare. It was becoming worse each time that he had it. More exaggerated and more gruesome.

He closed his eyes and when he opened them again he snorted a laugh at his surroundings. Yet another ratty apartment in some god-forsaken place. Once he had been in Idaho and yet another Christmas had been spent in Minnesota. He missed his place in Atlanta but he couldn't go back.

He could never go back.

He turned back to the window and continued to gaze out at the stars.

"Johnny?" He looked and saw the girl whose name he thinks is Sara standing in the bedroom doorway, wearing nothing but his undershirt. He hid the shudder that seemed to arise when she called him that. It made him think of that Steven King movie. "Hmm?"

"You okay?" As her voice carried softly across the silent apartment, he noticed that she had a hint of an eastern seaboard accent.

He gave her what he hoped was a convincing smile, "Yeah. I'm good." She nodded uncertainly and made her way back into the bedroom.

He shrugged, **Guess that didn't work. Oh well.** John walked into the charade of a kitchen, and poured himself another glass of water. **What a great way to spend the holidays. A virtual stranger's apartment after a night of meaningless sex…** It was getting to almost be a ritual. One he knew he shouldn't fall into…for more than one reason.

He just couldn't seem to stop himself…

He walked back to the bare window to watch the twinkling stars that he felt were mocking him with their brightness and hope and longed for a warmth that he hadn't felt in ages…for home.

His mind drifted back to his last _real_ Christmas.

**Before everything was ruined.**

_**Atlanta, Christmas Eve (3 Years Ago)**_

"_Coming through!" John stated as he held the pan of rolls over his head, trying to make his way through the awfully crowded doorway. He set the partially hot pan on a potholder and then turned around, smiling at the scene before him. He hadn't known what he had been missing from his incredibly dysfunctional childhood until he had met the team he had come to call his family._

_His smile grew bigger at the thought of one specific blonde team member currently finishing up Christmas dinner in the kitchen. Sam had become such an important part in his life. She'd been there for him when she had needed him the most and she was such a strong woman._

"_John!" He was broken out of his reverie by Chloe, Sam's adorable daughter. He looked down to her small form, "What, munchkin?" _

_She put her hands on her hips in a kind of huffy manner and stuck out her bottom lip in a pout, "You didn't get me a gift." John laughed at the image before him. He was quite sure this was how Sam had probably been at Chloe's age. He knelt down before her, "What makes you say that?" She looked back at the tree he himself had cut down and helped to decorate, "I didn't see one from you." She stated it in such a matter of fact tone that John couldn't help but laugh again._

"_That's because…" John reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a beautiful gold necklace with a ruby charm hanging from it, "…it's right here." Chloe drew in an awed breath, "It's mine?"_

"_All yours. Now…" John had her turn around and pushed her hair to the side, then he clasped the necklace and she turned back to him. "This…" He pointed to the necklace, "was my mother's and I want you to take good care of it, okay?" She nodded in an excited manner and then tackled him with a hug, "I love you, John."_

_He was caught off guard a little bit by the hug but mainly by her statement but soon regained his composure. He hugged her back before she pulled out of it. "Thank you, John. It's real pretty and I promise to take good care of it." He nodded. "I have to go show my mom!" She turned and ran into the kitchen. He watched her go and closed his eyes, absorbing the sounds around him. _

_Grace and George arguing over the music choices. Nathan and Morgan watching the football game. Sam, Angel, and Bailey laughing in the kitchen._

John opened his eyes, expecting the scene from his mind. He drew in a harsh breath when he realized where he was or, more accurately, where he wasn't. He could feel the hot stinging of un-shed tears in his eyes.

He had never been happier in his life than at the moment when he saw the pure love shining in Chloe's eyes.

He glanced at the phone. He knew he shouldn't. It was a mistake. He could never go back there……but, maybe….just this once…God, he needed a reminder of that happiness. He needed to hear….just one more time…

He picked it up and dialed the all too familiar number. It rang two times before Sam picked it up.

"Hello?"

John's body vibrated with emotion as he collapsed against the wall.

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

Tears falling down his face, freely and unchecked.

"Hello?" There was a short silence that seemed to speak volumes before she said anything else, "John?"

Time seemed to last hours, instead of the mere seconds he knew really passed.

He slid down the paint-chipped wall, all the way down to the faded and worn carpet.

"John, please! If it's you, please…answer me?"

He slammed his head against the hard wall, his tears drying up as he forced the emotion out.

"We miss you! Come home, John. What happened wasn't your fault! It was-" He hung up the phone, unwilling to listen to what they both knew were lies.

He hit his head against the wall again, trying desperately to stop the tears that were threatening to fall once more. He looked at the clock again.

3:47 a.m.

The tears blurred his vision as they started to fall against his will. His breath coming out in harsh pants.

He forced the lump in his throat down and the tears to dry up as he stood. He snuck back into the small bedroom that housed his mistake of the year. He slipped back into his clothes, not bothering with the shirt she was currently sleeping soundly in. As he let himself out of the dingy apartment, he prayed that she would be okay.

**Please, God, if You're really there, if You really exist….please don't let her pay for my weaknesses.**

A.N.: Please let me know what you think of the re-done chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two

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(Sam's P.O.V.)

Sam stared at the phone in her hand with a sort of disbelief. She really wasn't sure what she should feel. It had been almost 2 years since the last phone call from him.

Or at least she thought they were from him. She couldn't say with 100 certainty but…she liked to think it was him. It meant he still cared, or at least some part of him still did.

"Mom?" Sam jumped slightly at the sound of her daughter's voice breaking into her thoughts. She smiled up at Chloe and pushed a strand of hair back behind her ear with one hand, "Yeah, sweetie?"

"Who was on the phone?" Sam could see the curiosity and slight glimmer of hope in her daughter's eyes. "I'm not sure, baby. No one was there. It was probably just a wrong number."

Chloe bit her lip as she quietly suggested, "Maybe it was Uncle John?" Sam sighed as her body language softened, "Oh, sweetheart…"

"It could be. You can't say it wasn't." Sam's heart ached slightly at the defiance in her daughter's eyes and she motioned her daughter forward, "Come here."

Chloe walked over to the couch and curled into her mother's embrace. Sam smoothed down Chloe's hair before placing a soft kiss on the top of her head, "You're right, baby. I can't say that it wasn't him. But I also can't say that it was. He's gone sweetheart."

"Oh." Sam could hear the confusion and pain in her daughter's simple sigh. They continued to sit on the couch for a while before Chloe sat up, "I'm gonna go back to bed."

"Ok. I love you, Chloe." Her daughter didn't reply as she shuffled back to her room.

Sam sat on the couch staring in the direction her daughter went for a long time as she thought about the changes that her beautiful daughter had undergone.

Chloe had become more and more withdrawn with passing day. There were many days that she would look at her daughter and become startled by how different she was.

Sam, despite having the ability and intuition to help countless others, could not figure out the words to say or the actions to take that would begin to help her daughter. She could never figure out what Chloe was thinking.

**Or remembering.**

Sam stood and walked to her bedroom, pausing at the doorway. Instead of continuing to her own bed, she walked to her daughter's.

She leaned against the frame and watched her daughter's sleeping form. She could see Chloe's face was tense, as if in deep thought. Sam sighed as she realized that her daughter was dreaming again about what had happened.

She pushed off the door frame and walked over to her daughter's bed. She leaned over and pulled the covers up. As she straightened herself, she noticed a slight glint coming from Chloe's slightly clenched fist. Sam gently opened her fist and drew in a sharp breath when she saw what it was.

She took it from Chloe's loosened grasp and twirled it in the moonlight, the ruby sparkling ever so slightly. She could clearly remember where and when Chloe had gotten it.

Before all hell broke loose.

_Christmas (3 Years Ago)_

_"Mommy! Mommy!" Sam looked up at her excited daughter. She was clutching at something around her neck. "Look! Look!" Her daughter was jumping up and down and Sam let out a laugh._

_"Hold still, so I can!" Her daughter stopped jumping but was still wiggling. When she stopped Sam had a chance to see one of the most beautiful necklaces she had seen. One that most likely cost way too much. "Chloe! Who gave this to you?"_

_"Uncle John did!" Chloe's eyes were sparkling, "Isn't it pretty?"_

_"Yes, it's beautiful. But, honey, that's a really expensive gift..."_

_"Mom!! He gave it to me! If he didn't want me to have it he wouldn't have, right?" Sam laughed, "I guess that's true. All right, all right. But how about, after tonight, we put it up for special occasions?"_

_Chloe looked a little disappointed but nodded reluctantly. She went back out into the living room and left Sam with Bailey and Angel._

_Sam walked over to the turkey dressing she had been working on. She shook her head, "Can you believe that?"_

_"Yes." Sam looked up at her roommate. Angel smirked, "Sam, it's obvious he's crazy about her." Sam shrugged her shoulders, "Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's true." Angel was watching Sam with an amused look in her eye before mumbling, "And you."_

_Bailey chuckled at the comment as he continued working on his portion of the dinner._

_Sam looked up from her pan, "What?" Bailey laughed as Angel innocently replied, "Nothing." Sam put down her spoon, "No, you said something. What was that little comment from you?"_

_"I didn't say anything." Sam looked back down at her pan and picked up the spoon, full of food. Angel shook her head and held her hands up in defense. She started backing up, "No! Sam...don't!" Sam threw the spoonful at Angel and Angel picked up some lettuce to throw back._

She looked back down at the necklace in her hand as she came out of the happy memory. When John left, Chloe shut down.

And this necklace became her lifeline. It meant the world to her, and Sam honestly didn't know what she would do without it, as silly as it sounded.

"...home...I wanna go home...please..." Sam was broken out of her thoughts as her daughter started to mumble.

Sam gently pushed her daughter's shoulder, "Chloe? Chloe, wake up." Sam's touch and voice just seemed to make Chloe get more agitated. She started to thrash in her sleep and her mumblings turned into cries. "...i wanna go home...i wanna go home..."

Sam shook her daughter forcibly. Chloe opened her eyes and pulled away from her mother. "Uncle John. Where's Uncle John? I want Uncle John!"

Tears formed in Sam's eyes. "He's not here, baby."

"Why not! I want Uncle John! Please...I'll be good...I just want him..." Sam pulled her crying daughter into her arms.

Chloe's head was on Sam's shoulder, her nails digging into Sam's back. Sam rocked her daughter as she cried, "...please...I'll be good...I promise...please..."

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A.N.: Feedback is a wonderful wonderful thing. : )


	3. Chapter 3

A.N.: I'm slowly but surely getting this thing re-written. There was a lot that I didn't elaborate on that I should have. I hope you enjoy it.

**Bold** equals (thoughts)

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(Christmas Eve Morning (John's P.O.V.))

John groaned as he moved his head, cracking the aching bones in his neck. He slowly made his way up the steps and into the non-descript building he had set up in. Most normal people would be complaining about having to work on Christmas Eve, but he wasn't most people. And he definitely wasn't normal.

"Hey, John." He smiled at the petite brunette 'secretary' that greeted him.

He shook his head and smothered a laugh at the thought. **Secretary? She's no more a secretary than I'm a private investigator.**

It was as he was looking through the stack of paper she handed him that he heard the noises coming from inside the office.

He looked over to Sasha with one eyebrow quirked, "I thought Luc was with his sister today?" Sasha shrugged, "He is."

"So….what? We have large, overgrown rats in the office? Although on second thought, in this place, that wouldn't surprise me."

Sasha bit her lip as she replied, "Two men. They wouldn't give me their names, just demanded to wait for you in your office. I decided it wasn't worth the hassle."

John tossed the papers down on her desk, "Not worth the hassle? Damn it, Sasha. What the hell are you thinking? Do you have a death wish? Have you learning NOTHING?"

He went over to the closed door and opened it. He leaned against the frame as he watched two men search through Luc's desk and files, "Excuse me. Can I help you gentlemen?"

"Depends. Are you..." A blonde-haired man looked down at his notes, "...Nathaniel Marks?"

John studied the men in front of him. One was a pretty young guy wearing an Armani suit with perfectly styled hair and glaringly white teeth while the other was older, wearing an old sports jacket that had seen better days, "Who's asking?"

The older man walked over to where John was still leaning and held out a hand, "Sorry about my partner's manners. He's new. The name's Detective Thomas Larkin. My partner is Detective Owen Andrews."

John looked from one man to the other, trying to ascertain the reason behind the visit which, considering that it was only Luc's desk they were searching, it wasn't very hard. John swallowed and let out an almost defeated sigh. He brought his hands up to his face and rubbed his eyes as he quietly asked, "What happened to Luc?"

Larkin's eyebrows skyrocketed at the question, "What makes you think something has happened?"

John rolled his eyes, "Gee, Detective, let's see…you're searching Luc's desk on Christmas Eve and you're going out of your way to be pretty nice to me. Either Luc's being investigated or something has happened to him. Now, considering that man wouldn't break a law to save his own grandmother, it really only leaves me with the other option."

Larkin studied the man before him for a few moments before replying, "Your partner was found murdered last night." John nodded as if it was the answer he was expecting and Larkin wondered at that, "You don't seem entirely shocked, Mr. Marks."

John shrugged, "Considering some of the things we would do as part of the job, I guess I'm not."

Larkin pursed his lips together as he watched John, "So you think this was related to a case you two have worked?" John shrugged again, "Could be. I really wouldn't know. It's your job to figure that out, isn't it?"

Andrews decided to step in at that moment, "Yes, it is our job to find out what happened to your partner. I noticed that the two of you hadn't been in business together for long and, yet, you were a full partner. How does that work exactly?"

"What can I say, we just clicked….it was like magic." Andrews took note of the obvious sarcasm and latched onto it, "So, if we were to take a deeper look into your business?"

John pushed off of the door frame, "You would find that it's a business. Nothing more, nothing less. We worked together. It doesn't matter how long that was. It's not relevant to your case."

"Well, seeing how we're the detectives and you're just a cheap private investigator who probably couldn't even pass the entrance exam to the police academy, how about you let us decide what's _important_ or not. Okay?"

John cocked his head to the side at the venom in the man's reply. The two stared each other down before Larkin interrupted by clearing his throat, "Mr. Marks, where were you last night around 2:30?"

"Am I a suspect?"

Andrews put himself in John's space, "How about you answer the question?"

"Some blonde woman's apartment over on Rourke. Can't say I remember the building's address or apartment number. Hell, I'm not even sure about the woman's name, although I think it was Sara or Sally….started with an S, though."

Andrews began to respond when Larkin spoke first, "Okay, Mr. Marks. I think we have all we need for now. We'll be in touch."

John could see that Andrews objected to Larkin's comment but didn't say anything. As they were exiting the office, Andrews turned back to John, "Don't go anywhere, Marks."

"Sure thing, Detective. What-ever you say." Andrews glared at John for a full minute then he turned around and walked out the office and down the stairs.

John walked to the window and watched Larkin instruct a uniformed police officer to stay behind in his vehicle. **Real inconspicuous.**

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(Sam's P.O.V.)

Sam watched as Angel helped Chloe get ready for the church service that Angel had asked them to attend.

Angel was showing Chloe how to put her hair into a French twist. She had already put some blush and a little bit of lip gloss on. Sam wasn't entirely sure she wanted Chloe to get sucked into that part of growing up just yet but she looked so happy at that moment that Sam didn't have it in her to say anything.

The phone rang and Sam stared at it for a moment before answering. "Hello?"

"Sam, its Bailey." Sam's heart slowed and her stomach felt leaden, "He's back?"

"Yes. In Colorado. We leave in thirty minutes." Sam hung up the phone and closed her eyes as she tried to quell the nausea that was rising.

"Mom?" Sam's head jerked up in her daughter's direction. She opened her mouth but could not find any words to come out. "You're not coming to the service with us."

Sam deflated at the matter-of-fact statement. "No, baby. I'm sorry." Chloe nodded and turned back to Angel. She continued getting ready but with a more subdued demeanor than before.

Sam sighed to herself as she grabbed her bag and her gun from the safe. She called out a good-bye to the girls and left.

((Colorado))

"Agent Waters, Agent Malone. Good to meet you. Thomas Larkin, lead detective on this case. Over there's my partner, Owen Andrews." They all shook hands and had a seat at the detective's desk.

"What do you have for us?" Larkin quickly went through the file, such as it was. "One victim was one Lucas Sykes. He was found by a homeless woman in an alley behind this old Laundromat. Our M.E. says he died at about 2:30 last night. He had some blunt force trauma to the head, which suggests he was knocked out. Here's the kicker though, he didn't die from the head trauma. He was disemboweled while he was still alive. Only thing left at the scene was this note."

Larkin handed the note to the agents. "What does it mean?" Larkin shrugged, "Thought maybe you guys would know."

Sam studied the note, "Well, it's definitely the same handwriting as the others. Messages vary from case to case but usually have the same theme."

Larkin waited for her to continue and when she didn't he asked, "Which is?"

"Time. It's very important to our perp. I don't know if that's because he's on a specific timetable or if time is something the perp thinks means something to someone else."

Bailey cleared his throat, "You have any suspects."

Larkin shook his head no and Andrews nodded at the same time. Bailey looked between the two, "Well, gentlemen, which one is it? Yes or no?"

Andrews spoke up before Larkin could, "The guy's partner, Marks. He's lying to us and he has no alibi. I like him for it."

Bailey looked over to Larkin, "And you don't?"

"Well, I wouldn't say the man's flat out lying to us but he's definitely hiding something. His alibi is a little shaky. He says he was with a woman all night. I want to believe him but he can't provide us with any details beyond that."

Bailey nodded and looked over to Sam. She shrugged, "I'd need to talk to him."

Andrews jumped up, "Good. What are we waiting for?"

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Sasha leaned down and helped John pick up some of Sykes' files off the floor. "That guy really doesn't like you, ya know?" John laughed, "Yeah, I know."

Sasha straightened up when she heard a knock. "Maybe it was something I said?" She laughed and opened the door. "Didn't you just leave?"

John stopped pulling the files together and groaned. He stood and started to turn around, "Detectives. I'm really not sure what else you think I can help you with but-" John stopped when he saw the people with the detectives.

"Hello, John."

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A.N.: Feedback is much appreciated. : )


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